Surrender

February 21st was the last time you heard from me.

Let me tell you, many things have happened in the span of 3 months.

From my new book launching, "Keep Me Sane", to enduring the worst moments of my life a few weeks ago, then dealing with a continuous pile up of other kinds of stresses, I swear I had nearly reached my breaking point.

To quickly touch on the concept of my new book, let me tell you about it! Roughy a month ago, I have released a poetry book collection. It is a very deep and sentimental thing to me. All of the poems I have written from my heart and at least 95% of the poems are written from true events and feelings. It is literally me pouring my heart out onto paper and I am allowing you to come into my thoughts and read all that my mind and heart has to say. My book is available to purchase on PageMaster Publishing, Amazon as well as Barnes & Noble. It is truely a good read and I have gotten an immense amount of support from family, friends, and strangers as to how amazing my book is written. Once again, click this link to find all of my author social medias as well as a link to purchase my book!

Back on a more serious note, there's a time in someones life where they reach that "rock bottom" that everyone loves to label it. Despite my young age, I would have something bad happen and tell myself, "this is my rock bottom", but then life always has a funny way of proving me wrong. Time and time again, life continuously proves me wrong.

A few weeks ago, I dealt with a very serious issue with my partner. The unimaginable happened and I have never broke so hard. Broke in the sense of crying. I cried and cried and I thought my life was over. I reached an all time low and without my attention, it flipped and it got worse.

Life always gives you these waves. We're all supposed to ride the rocky waves that life is and try not to fall off our board. That day, I fell off. And I got lost in the currents of everything. It was a lot to comprehend and every so often I continue to reply that whole situation in my head.

The moral I am trying to get to is that, and I'll say this repetitively on this blog, is that life is so unpredictable. And when everything is out of your control, the only thing you can do is control what you can and surrender to what is around you.

These past few months, I have learned a lot about the concept of surrender. Before, I would tell myself, "I am surrendering to what is happening in my life" then I'd likely follow through for roughly twelve hours then I'd find myself back at square one. Square one being full of questioning the future, replying the past and refusing to be present in the moment. I would crave to control every little thing in my life. And when something happens that I can't control, I lose myself. I panic because it is something I either did not expect or something I cannot control. Call me a control freak, but that is how I work. That is how my brain is wired.

Going through a heavy emotional turmoil before, I really tried to engrain in my head about the idea of surrendering. Surrendering to your partner; trusting that they are continuously there for you, even when things get rocky.Surrendering to the divine timing; knowing that your time for anything will come one day. Trusting that your life is in your God's (whichever God you may believe in) hands and that they will do the best thing for you. Surrendering to the idea that everything will work itself out. Even if it doesn't seem like it and your life is absolute chaos. It will all work out. Everything will be okay in time and that you need to trust in the universe that what is meant for you will find its way.

Like I've mentioned, I have tried to surrender to my life and everything around me. But I have never done a good job. But allowing yourself to surrender to all the anxieties help. More than you actually realize.

I've also learned about the concept of "what is yours will find you". It has really become clear to me that whatever is meant to be in my life is already here, or on its way. Within divine timing, everything will happen in the way it's supposed to. Events will happen when they're supposed to. Even if those events leave you heartbroken and worthless. It is all done for a reason.

Even in my personal life, certain people have been realizing their behaviour around me and working to shift and improve our relationship. Something I never even imagined possible. Within these last three months, my brain has been filled with all kinds of growth and it is quite overwhelming to realize all of these things and see the shifts in my personal life as well as those I care about around me. Then that follows back to the whole surrender idea. Since all of these things have been happening in my life, I have learned to surrender to the fact that everything will happen when it's supposed to. People are meant to realize and grow during the moments they're supposed to. People are supposed to hit their rock bottom at the time they're supposed to.

It humours me to think that I really believed that I could control every little tiny detail of my life. When that is not true. At all. I had to learn to let go and not let this circling fear of panic affect me.

Trying to do more self care and meditation, I have been trying to teach myself that I can feel my emotions but I can't let them control me. It's like when you're staring up at the clouds on a beautiful summer day. You see a cluster of crisp white clouds floating above you. Pretend those clouds are your emotions. You're laying on an open field, looking at all your emotions. You can see those emotions and feel them, but you just have to let those clouds drift past. You can see and feel any emotion and you just have to acknowledge it and let it pass. Don't get so hung up on one emotion.

And that is something I am trying to teach myself.

Trying to teach yourself all of this and rewire your brain when it's been programmed since you were a kid is incredibly difficult. But I know if I don't start making these changes now, it will be even more difficult the older I get.

But it is something that I have to learn for me to grow and to become a better person. Not only for myself, but for all my loved ones around me.

Let's see what these next few months bring,

- S. Cowan