Grey Zone

I feel like I'm at a very odd point in my life. An in-between stage of something I don't quite understand. A grey zone, to put it simply. Where all of the bad and unwanted things are slowly leaving my life, but the new and better things have yet to come into my life. It's this uncomfortable stage in life of unknowing. Where I can feel myself growing and evolving out of my comfort zone and into something new, but said new thing has not happened yet. The door has not opened for me. And let me tell you, this limbo has been weird. Not bad by all means, but I feel like I'm sitting in a slingshot, drawn back and ready to launch, but the handler hasn't let go completely, launching me into this new direction.

Over the summer I have been up to a lot of different things. Always busy, and rarely giving my self a break. But I seriously wouldn't want it any other way. This summer has been a summer about me and going through my personal growth. I have been spending a ton of time with my friends and going out to different events. Whether is going out to a bar or two, or going to different raves, I have never been able to prioritize myself more than now. Healing after everything has changed has brought me to a new version of myself. I do not feel the same as I did a few months ago. But in that same breath, I have been fully trusting with the universe. That everything happens for a reason and that everything will work itself out in time. Trust during this grey zone has been something so essential. It's like while I am sitting in this slingshot, I have no clue where I am going to be shot at. But all I know is that I am fully trusting on what is going to happen and where I am going. I have been in full trust that the universe has my back, no matter what happens.

Another thing that has been holding me into this grey zone is moving. I have been keeping very quiet about my personal life, but it is true. I am moving. It is official, and I have a date. I have bought myself a condo and I get the keys September 12th and I do the big move day on September 27th. 21 days until I get the keys and 36 days until I get to call this condo my new home. Soon enough I will be hosting a house warming party with the people that mean the most to me and I seriously wouldn't want it any other way. That thought alone has been preoccupying a majority of my thoughts. I keep thinking to myself, "I'm moving. My first apartment I have had on my own will no longer serve me. But I will be going to a new place that will be all mine. That I'm not renting. I bought it myself. No cosigner, no help. Just me." And that is something I am growing to be so insanely proud of myself for. Like what 24 year old can say that they have the ability to buy their own condo and move out on their own? In this economy? I know I am extremely lucky. And I am as equally as proud of myself.

There is an interesting story I wanted to share with you as well. Back just before new years, I was talking to my sister and she told me that what she does every year is that she creates a vision board through some sort of collage app then she sets that vision board as her lock screen then at the end of the year she is able to reflect on the year she had and see how much of her vision board came true. And last year for her, was actually pretty accurate with the different things that she has done with the vision board. So I took matter in my own hands last December and made my own. I made it with a bunch of different things I have placed in the vision board. If you look at it you'll see a girl on a walk, a girl in the mountains, a "#1 New York Times Bestseller" sticker, someone getting a tattoo, a "financial freedom" quote, a "I get rich doing what I love" quote, two girls sitting on a beach having a picnic, fruits and vegetables, a hand holding up a key in an empty house, and a few more. Back in January I was optimistic about everything in my vision board. That maybe there is a chance that something will come true. But when everything in my life hit the fan catastrophically, I remember having a conversation with my mom about this vision board I made. Because I remember in around April I was looking at it and I told her that everything seems wrong now. That I was in debates about changing it. Since losing a long term partner, it's like my future fell upside down and flipped my vision board with it too. She said I could change it, make it more relevant to what this new version of me looks like now being single. But after some consideration in her words, I decided to trust the universe and not change it. It is still the exact same from when I originally set it back before the new year. And the more I look at my vision board every day, the more I see how things have been falling into place. That picture of two girls having a picnic? I had a picnic with my best friend in the summer. Fruits and vegetables? I've had the motivation to make myself smoothies and eat a bit more healthier these last few months. A girl in the mountains? I took a trip to the mountains for a week as a little vacation getaway. That hand holding a key in an empty house? That's going to be me in 21 days. Getting the keys to my own house and moving somewhere new.

It's weird how nearly everything on this vision board has come to life in some way, shape, or form. And what is even more crazy to think about is that at the time when I made it I was in a totally different head space. I was in a relationship, and thought I was secure in the future that I have. When I made this, I was a whole different woman altogether. And now look at me and this vision board. Most of it came true, and it's only August. It's beyond fascinating to think of how the universe and vision boards works. But one thing I know for damn sure is that I will be doing this vision board thing again in December of this year in preparation for 2026.

Book number two. That has been preoccupying a lot of my time this summer. Because we are getting so close to the final stages and going into publishing, I will give you readers a first glimpse into what my next book will be like. Book two, my beloved masterpiece that I have poured my heart and soul into. Literally. The Art of Beginning Again has become my newest baby and I am already so ridiculously proud of what I have created.

The Art of Beginning Again is another poetry book. It originated as a book that goes through four different stages: Embracing Change, Resilience, Self-Discovery, and Starting Anew. When life beats you down, these poems walk you through how you can go down to a low point in your life and how you can crawl your way back to starting all over again and growing into a better person. But as I was writing it, life happened. Big time. In May of 2024, my family and I had to put down our family dog. Our beloved baby was put into her eternal sleep and was taken away from us. And believe it or not, in my 24 years of living I have never really gone through true grief in my life. People that have passed around me I have never felt close with, but losing my childhood dog really gave me a taste as an adult what true and genuine grief is. That is when the book took a turn for the better. Not only did the book still have contents about growing through life and heartbreak, but now with experiencing grief, I bled out all these poems to help my heart heal through that grief. I will be honest with you all, this second book is vulnerable of me to share with you all. Every poem is true and every one sheds a new layer that I kept behind closed doors for over a year. I get very vulnerable, especially when I write about my grief. You see me grow through every stage of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression and acceptance. All seven stages of grief you can see in at least one or more poems. And it truly has become such a beautiful progression of showing my healing journey and shows how I was able to master the art of beginning again after life has beat me down to its lowest.

I currently have my illustrator finalizing the drawings that will accompany some of the poems. Then once she has finished those and sent them off to me, the next steps will be the steps I have been itching for for months; publishing. Then I will get in touch with my publisher and I will then work to get my second book out for the world to read. And you're hearing it first here, but I can promise you it is very well worth the read. I loved Keep Me Sane, don't get me wrong, but this one is planned to perfection and I am so ridiculously proud of what I have created from being in such a vulnerable state in my life. As for publishing, I am looking for publishing in September at the earliest, probably October at the latest. That's crazy even thinking about it, let alone knowing that September is in a week and a half as of me writing this post.

With The Art of Beginning Again I have also been taking the full reigns of how I want this planned out. I have already made the cover by myself, formatted everything, wrote the dedication and copyright, wrote all the poems, even something as small to picking out the type of font I want. I have done it all myself. The only thing I couldn't do alone was the illustrations. I hired an illustrator to assist me with drawing approximately 70-75 drawings in a timely manner. Even then, I told her exactly what drawings I need her to do. No help other than her. I have used my creative ability to make this my own and make it exactly how I want. And I can promise you, since I haven't published another book in two years, this one will be well worth the wait.

If you want to be kept in the loop about publishing dates and updates on my book, keep an eye on my blog or follow me on my social media!

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Write soon,

-S. Cowan