This Ones For You

This ones for You, a very specific person who likely won't read this. Only one person will understand the significance of September 1st. This won't be an "I miss you" or an "I want you back". This is just an acknowledgement to us; an ode to you, if you will.

Today would've marked six years. It's interesting to think that this very day would have been marking another significant milestone for us. But with you no longer around, this day feels a bit different. Not in a bad way, but last night I couldn't help but realize what day today is, and the moment I woke up this morning I knew that in order for me to clear some thoughts out of my head I needed to sit in front of my computer and have a one-sided conversation to clear my mind a bit.

I can't help but think of you on a day like today. But then my mind can't help but drift and wonder if you are thinking of me too. For the last 5 years, this very date has been known for us. Or to put it simply, the celebration of us. Part of me hopes that at some point in the day you have some sort of quiet acknowledgement for us: maybe listening to a song I showed you, taking five minutes to reminisce on our past shared memories, or even just thinking to yourself and simply acknowledging and having this deep knowing on what day today is.

I want you to know I'm not upset or mad at you and I most certainly don't regret anything with you. The love we shared I felt to my deepest core, and everything I said and did was purely genuine and I meant every single word. There is no ill will towards you, there never will be. You will always hold a small little corner in my heart and I will forever appreciate the love and care you (and even your family) showed me and I will never wish ill will upon you. You were able to show me a new version of myself as well as a new life that I was able to grow and evolve into, that is something I am eternally grateful for. Sometimes we have to learn the harsh reality that sometimes good things fall apart. People leave and people outgrow each other. Which is completely okay, it's hard but bittersweet.

I don't know if you care to know this but you'll be pleased to know I have been healing. I have been evolving and I haven't stopped living my best life. I was always worried a few years ago that losing you meant I was going to lose myself. But once that harsh concept became reality, I learned that life doesn't have to stop at love. The most important love is the love and care you have with yourself. I've learned to turn within and focus on me. It's been a journey, a long yet very rewarding one.

It's interesting to think that there can be one moment where you have someone so important by your side, living and enjoying life together. Then the next moment, the whole concept of your future is ripped beneath you and you are left down in the dirt, wondering what the hell is going to happen next. Having my planned future be ripped away from me, I really struggled at the start. I truly felt so lost. It was as if I was standing in the middle of a maze, so many different paths to go to, but unsure of what the right one is. But the first step of rebuilding my future was just taking that first step. Choose one path to go down and stick to it. If it was a dead end? Turn around and try again. But I learned that I can't make progress when I'm standing in the maze stationary, hoping the end would come to me. I had to make that first move. It might be scary as hell, but I had to make the first step. And once the first step is made, all I had to do was keep moving. It's like what you told me many moons ago, when I was dealing with my heavy grief: It's not about moving on from it, it's about moving forward.

That alone has given me enlightenment knowing that the so called end, doesn't mean I need to forget about you. It's not like we ended in a brutal or hostile way. We simply ended because we were once compatible, and suddenly we no longer became compatible. Our younger selves needed each other, we truly did and I can see that now. When I met you, I was not in a good place in my life. Just starting university, poor mental health, and life in general was not the greatest for me. Also to note that we met just before Covid-19 was a thing. Then living through a pandemic was a whole new experience we got to share together. But over the years, you truly helped lift me out of a dark place. And I genuinely thank you for everything you have done. You helped me find this confidence that I now carry all the time and this confidence oozes from every pore in my body. You helped me heal and go through losing my childhood dog. You were there for every tear, every manic episode and you truly were my anchor in the storm. And I also know very well that I helped you get out of a dark place in your life too. When we first met, you had a lot of bad things going on in your life and I can only hope that I was your anchor for you and was able to calm your storm brewing inside. But as we both got older and both started healing, we started to grow apart. We simply just wanted different things in life. Which is normal, and it is okay. It's bittersweet to lose someone who was once so important to you, but we both know that when things started going south and we started feeling the distance between one another, we knew that we couldn't sacrifice our happiness just for the longevity of our relationship. It was a harsh lesson that you and I had to learn. We had to prioritize ourselves. Since that meant we had to part ways, I understand and have accepted that. And I hope you have too.

So if you're somehow reading this and have made it all the way to the end, out of everything I have said, I want you to remember this:

Thank you. For everything. We may have had our ups and downs over the years, but I will tell you that experiencing life with you all those years truly brought me an immense amount of happiness. The thought of you is bittersweet and I truly do wish you and your family the very best. You loved me greatly and your family treated me like I was another daughter, and that bond we all shared is something I won't ever forget. I hope that you find someone new who compliments the best parts of you and someone who is your next life partner. It's bittersweet knowing our ending came before we anticipated it, but do know I regret absolutely nothing. We shared an infinite amount of joyous memories and I will always care about you and wish you well from a distance. I hope you treat your next partner with the utmost respect and love her endlessly. Our past was a significant one, but I will never forget the impact you had on me and the growth you have given me. So thank you for everything. And this day is for us. In some weird way, it is. I hope you acknowledge our past and reminisce on all of our fond memories, even if its just for a minute. Because I sure know we have a lot of them from the years. You know I wish you the best, and like we always have said to each other, even until the bitter end. . . I'll see you later.

S .Cowan