A True Juxtaposition - A 2024 Reflection

As this year begins to slowly come to a close, I can't help but reflect on the year that has led me to this very moment and the young woman that sits here and types before you. I can say with pure confidence that the year 2024 truly has been both the best and the worst year of my life so far. A true juxtaposition, if I do say so myself.

Taking the time to think about my 2024 reflection, all of the things that I have done, seen, or experienced nearly brings me to my knees. The Sarah from 12 months ago would be unbelievably shocked of everything that she will experience in the following year and all of the growth that will follow. From traveling to somewhere new in June and taking the time to slow down and enjoy a proper vacation, being a bridesmaid in a wedding, living with my partner for almost a full year now and having him by my side constantly, seeing and attending three concerts and raves during the course of this year while seeing my all time favourite artist in the process, and working on writing two new books that have the potential to become bestsellers. This year has been filled with all kinds of overwhelmingly positive new things and experiences that I will cherish and carry with me for the rest of my life. And to think that wasn't even all of it. So many smaller things have happened this year that made it all that much more better. That was me only skimming the surface.

But in the same breath, 2024 has also ripped everything from beneath my feet and has truly knocked me down to my knees. Beating me down till I can't get up. Back in March, I witnessed a close family member go through heart surgery. I was there every step of the way and watching him give me a smile as he gets wheeled away to the surgery room. The anixety and the uncertainty of whether he'll be okay. Or not knowing what will come next. Or the aftermath of seeing him after the surgery in the hospital room unconscious and in such a vulnerable state being hooked up to every machine possible. That really took a toll on me.

Then just as life was getting to be normal again after that surgery, my family made the decision to put our family dog, Chewy, down on May 11th of this year. Chewy first came into my life when I was only six years old. Just over seventeen years of loving her and always having her by my side. Losing her when I was twenty-three was like losing my sister, a best friend, and someone who was always a part of the family. As someone who has never gone through true death and grief before, going through it as a grown adult for the first time was truly a new learning experience. Being the last thing she looks at before she passes on was truly something else. I don't even think I can find the right words that describe that experience. Something that I will carry with me forever. Losing her at the age that I did really gave me time to look within and learn how I grieve. As I type these words for your viewing pleasure, I can say that the pain of losing her never really went away. I still have those days that send me reeling, even though it has been just over seven months. Time moves much more slower when you have lost someone you love. Feeling like you've lost them for years and when you stare back at the calendar, it's only been a couple months.

That's the thing too that I have also been reflecting on. That I defintely am the kind of person who will be the one that doesn't need to be checked on. The one who has a strong front and who looks like I know what I'm doing. Perfect example is that I have been told by my parents that they "never need to worry" about me. Is that reassuring? Of course it is. Makes me think that I am nailing this "adulting" thing. Yes, I'm also very smart and conscious on everything I do, but doesn't mean I still break. As I was going through the worst of my grief, nobody knew that I cried every day, yet felt the most numb I ever have before. Or even contemplated my own death to take away what I was feeling. Nobody knew that I was in fact not okay cause no one needs to worry about me. But now the worst is over, and I've learned to heal the wound alone. And during the loss of Chewy, I wrote all kinds of poems from all of these past seven months and wrote my healing journey. I was vulnerable in every poem and it truly shows how heartbroken I have been, but it also shows how much growth I have gone through since the day she passed. Truly a masterpiece in the works.

During my grief, I learned that I tend to turn to writing when I need to empty whats going on in my head. All of the fog that clouds my brain and obstructs my view of life, and writing allows me to clear that clouded head of mine. When losing my childhood pet this year, after some time I began writing a lot more. Bleeding words onto blank pages or empty word documents to heal this broken heart. And it worked. The healing began and in addition to time, I began to not hurt as much. That's the other thing about grief. It's that once you get touched by grim himself, you truly are never the same again. Once you feel the pain of what it is like to either watch someone close to you pass on, or simply try to accept the fact that they're not coming back, it's like the dark cloud is always above your head. I wish I could go back to the old me who didn't go through grief yet. The innocent one who was living my best, boarder line delusional life. But unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. Death is inevitable and all you can do is adapt with all of the changes that come your way.

Trying to not only focus on the negative aspects of this year, all of the positive experiences really helped get me out of those funks and remind me how great life truly can be.

I will never forget the three concerts and raves I went to this year. I went with all my favourite people, saw my favourite artists, and made memories that I won't forget.

I love music. God do I ever love music. Concerts and especially raves bring out a new version of me. It is where I find myself the happiest when I am listening to the loudest music and dancing till my hearts oozes euphoria. Attending to my raves this year made me forget all of the bad things that I have experienced this year. With all the people I care about by my side, all of those times made them easily one of the most memorable parts of the year. I can still imagine myself still in the same areas, listening to the music and dancing the night away. I can replay it all back like a movie on repeat. Something I hope to repeat again next year.

I will also never forget my adventures of traveling for a full week. Dreaming of the summer sun warming my skin and rocky mountains and towering cliffs staring down upon me. All the memories I made and people I got to see or meet. As an adult, you don't really get the chances to travel with your family anymore. But as I grew older, and taking a full week this year to do that traveling, I truly realized that I love traveling with my mom and sister now as an adult even more than I did when I was a kid. It's like we were all transported back in time, all of us reliving our youthful days and having fun whenever and wherever we can. And I would do anything to get to relive that trip over and over again.

Then at the end of November, I grew another year older. The big twenty-four. Next year though will be the biggest year; the quarter life crisis, that crucial frontal lobe development, or to say simply, my twenty-fifth birthday. Even as I had the time to reflect on my youth from my birthday till now, makes me realize that I truly am not the same person I once was. Even one year ago to this date, I am not the same person, let alone the version of myself from many years ago. I almost convinced myself that it truly is a shame that I am way happier and healthier than when a majority of people once knew me. A perfect example I'm going to use is back when I was in high school; the ripe age of sixteen and seventeen. When I was in high school and surrounded by a plethora of friends or strangers, they got to know the side of me that no longer exists. And I guess that is what will forever live on in their memories. They'll never know the mature young woman who has grown and has experienced so much since when they all knew me. It's truly kind of a shame that the version of me that lives on in their head, is someone who doesn't even exist anymore. Since high school has ended, my circle of friends has shrank drastically. I can count my close friends on my two hands. That I think shows intimacy I cherish in all my friends because I genuinely know those people, and they still know me. Even after all those years of change. I only have a small group of people that I can confidently trust and do keep in regular contact with.

To think that this is what one year has done to me? Just three hundred and sixty-five days? What about next year? I don't even want to think about what 2025 will do for me. A new book? Healing? Growth? More traveling? More adventures? I will say yes to all of the above.

I hope the new year treats me well and maybe if you stick around, I can report back of my findings in a years time.

S.Cowan