Thrown Into The Deep End
Life has a funny way of testing us. To put it simply, life tends to be the parent that holds their kid above the deep end of their favorite local pool and when the child least expects it, the parent lets go. Forcing the kid to learn to swim by being thrown into the deep end. Sink or swim, most like to say.
As the year has reached it's final four months, it has not only tested me in ways that I can barely comprehend or even try to explain, but it has also made me question every single aspect of myself. From relationship changes, to going full throttle on jump starting my author career, to dealing with unexpected life changes. Currently, I feel like I am stuck in a liminal void. Where the old me has died, but the new version of myself hasn't established her ground yet. It's a very weird feeling to be in, and it feels like its never ending. Every day carries some form of dread. Whether it's exhaustion with a taste of burnout, or just simply trying to sort through what this new version of myself feels like. It's a very contradicting emotion. Recognizing the fact that I feel so lost within myself, but I have never felt more like my true self. A true juxtaposition, if I do say so myself.
In case you don't know me personally, a not-so-fun fact about me is that I find myself to be terrible with change. Take my job as a prime example. Despite almost being 26 years old, I have only had two jobs in my lifetime thus far. My first job in my hometown I stayed there for 3 years. It was a retail job at a dollar store. Then when my family and I moved to the big city (against my will, I didn't want to move), the job I got was exactly in the same wheelhouse. Retail store that sells damn near the exact same product. And I have been at that job for coming on 8 years. So if you really think about it, I've been doing the same job for 11 years. And the worst part is? I could leave my job, but I despise change so much that I get too scared to do it. To jump ship and find something that could be better for me. Is there a better job out there? Potentially. With better pay? Absolutely. But because I hate change, I hold myself back.
How can I live with the change within myself if I hate when my surroundings change? I don't quite know how to answer that. And unfortunately I am still trying to figure that one out.
In the span of 1 year, I have undergone a massive amount of change. Damn near a full 180. The girl who once wrote for you in January is not the same girl who sits before you at her computer now.
On September 12th (so very close to approaching one year) I moved and got possession of my very first home, which is where I currently stay. And not even two weeks ago, I had to get a new car. My very first car that I have had since I was 14 finally got run into the ground and broke down for good. So I was left no choice but to get a new car and abandon the old one (hmm, remember when I said I hate change? And remembering that I have kept this car and drove it constantly for 12 years? This is kind of sounding familiar yet again). In regards to where I lived as well as my car, I had to leave behind my fundamental foundation that I built for myself over the span of 7 years and nearly abandon them both in an instant. I needed to move as I couldn't afford living where I was paying for the bills all alone. And to be the cherry on the cake, in May I got into a fantastic and healthy relationship. May I clarify, the relationship part is not bad at all. It's just different from how I have been treated in the past. So it has also been another aspect of change and adjustment for me. And as a refresher or incase you forgot, I still hate change. I get overwhelmed and stressed easily at the thought of changing major aspects in my life.
Those elements of change that I listed off doesn't even account for all of the smaller changes or events I have also endured. Going full throttle on my author things; attending book signings, attending markets, promoting myself online, trying to spend time with friends or family, and simply try to be everywhere all at once. This summer I have gone full tilt in trying to kick start my writing career. It's been a slow and steady progress (and an amazing one), but this summer I have been feeling very burnt out. I don't want to say that I have been biting off more than I can chew because I don't feel that is the case. I just have been so invested in my markets and book signings all the time that I feel like I am losing me time. Losing time for me to spend go out to the bar or going camping with friends this summer, time for me to travel or go on a road trip. While also trying to do all of these things with a full time job (with the occasional overtime here and there), my mental health has been the first to take the brunt of the force. My calendar is never empty and it hasn't been for a very long time. If I'm not at my full time job, I'm at a market. It's been like that since probably April or May.
Being in this liminal void of transition, even if other people did check in, I wouldn't even know what to say. I'd probably say that I'm fine and that I can handle it on my own. Not burden anyone with my problems and carry the weight myself. I always tend to say that it's my problem and that I'll figure it out. When life decides to suddenly drop me into the deep end, yet again, I know I'll always swim. I taught myself to swim. I know how to handle and figure out every thing that is thrown my way (yay hype independence). I just really don't like the feeling of this moment within this transition. It's a contradicting feeling of knowing that I do feel like my most authentic self, but still trying to figure out these new feelings, changes and directions in life.
It's almost like I am currently mourning my old life. Mourning what once was and what will never be again. I'm sure just like any other kind of grief, time will heal the wound and I will finally be able to find comfort in this new life. But until then, I need to recognize that this discomfort is not permanent. That, in time, this change will become my new normal. Then the cycle starts all over again.
So for those who are still reading and are maybe experiencing similar thought that I am. Recognize that you need rest, give yourself grace during moments of change and try to be patient with yourself when you have moments of burnout. Let yourself sit in the discomfort while simultaneously seeing that you are exactly where you need to be. Every change is a step closer to where you need to be. It may be absolutely terrifying mourning your old life and accepting this new life and elements of change, but see far into the future on what this change will bring you. And out of all, realize that growth does not happen in the same environment you have found comfort in.
Write soon,
S. Cowan
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